Seasons Change Not Men

It has always been said, in a relationship, “What’s yours is her’s and what’s her’s is her’s.   I knew this applied to physical things such as furniture, not that she wanted any of mine, cars, again not too keen on the 84 Hyundai 4 door sedan, and money, well, enough said.  However, I never would have thought this applied to me, my looks, or my opinions.   Oh in hindsight sure, I see it very clearly now but there was no warning from any men I knew who’d traveled these murky waters of marriage before me.  I have three older brothers and of course my Dad.  Not once did they try to warn me that my opinions and Ideas of what I like and how I like it don’t matter.  When you take that solum oath of marriage to become “one” what you don’t know is; you’re not becoming “one” you’re becoming what she wants you to be.  Women believe they can change us and from the moment you say “I do”, you will be her restoration project, morphing from who you are to who she wants you to be.  As the years pass you will learn why you don’t, why you won’t and why you’re sorry you ever did, even though you have no idea what you did or why it’s now YOUR FAULT!   In the end you will have become so confused you won’t know what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, you won’t even know if your favorite pants can be worn with your favorite shirt!  The fact is; you will actually stand in your own closet and have no idea what to wear.  “You’re not wearing that are you?”  “Of course not, I just needed to see if it still fits.”  The longer you stay married the more you realize there are many thing which no longer fit or go together.

For me, this realization began when I was preparing to move from my place in Washington State to her apartment in Manhattan. She had flown out that weekend to help me pack.  As a gift she’d bought two new matching pieces of luggage.  I thought it was great!  They would come in handy on our upcoming Honeymoon to Maui.  What I didn’t know was: I could only pack whatever fit in those bags.  “Honey, I bought new clothes for you in New York, you won’t need most of this stuff, your new things are hanging in your closet waiting for you in my apartment.  Just bring whatever you feel you may need from here.”  Need from here, you mean from my life?  We’re not talking about a garage sale you know!  In that one sentence the future was laid out before me like a menu at an expensive family restaurant.  I can still hear my mother, “Now Dean just order what you really think you need, let’s not be wasteful.”  What I need?...wasteful?  What’s wasteful is to leave some of the greatest sports memorabilia ever collected by the Famed, Original, Mariner Moose, framed pictures of the Beatles (replica’s) when they first came to Seattle and of course my prized Budweiser Beer Holiday Stein Collection? Leave it behind, are you kidding?   I know what's happening here, she wants me to change, to leave everything ever associated with my life when I was single and slowly morph into the mold of a married man.    

Change isn’t something that comes easily for men.  We don’t want to change we liked who we are and how we live life.  We have a hard time understanding the idea we were attractive enough to fall in love with but not good enough to live with.  If you want to know the truth, we really just want you to leave us alone, except in the bedroom.  This is the one place we want your opinion and advice.  We're all yours, just tell us where, when and how often.  It's one of the few times we're paying full attention.  It's also proof that we can change but motivation is the key.  "What's in it for us" is usually the question that has to be answered.  

Woman are just the opposite.  They are constantly changing, whether it’s to stay hip with the latest fashions, to stay fit with the latest health trends or try something new because they’re tired of the old, women embrace change while men fight it.  When’s the last time a man changed his hair style?  You see, it’s different.  

Women not only love us for who we are but more importantly who we’ll become.  We don’t want to fight them on the little stuff because it’s not worth it, they want to push the little stuff us because WE ARE worth it!  Let's face it, without a woman’s love and motivation (nagging as we call it) we would become too complaisant, too settled, too entrenched.  A slow hardening of life would eventually consume us, immobilize us, strand us in a single chair, in our favorite room, holding the volume up button on the remote, complaining that we don’t understand what’s happening in the world around us...there’s been too damn much change.  

Keeping up with the change is what keeps us alive, engaged and motivated.  Perhaps the best way to understand this search for improvement is to look at it from a sport’s perspective.  All of us, at some time, had a coach or teacher who pushed us, changed us, motivated us to a higher level.  They got more out of us than we thought we could give.  Wive’s are doing the same thing, pushing us so we never settle.  In most cases it’s how we’re being pushed (nagged) that gets the most resistance.  The best coaches know you will always get the most from someone if they believe in themselves first.  That’s the secret, men are motivated by the message so, build us up, tell us how great we are!  When a husband believes the change is good and his idea, that’s when a husband becomes the ideal man. 

Is Laundry Better Hung or Folded

How do you fold a thong?  I’ve tried just about everything and decided there’s no way to properly place this triangular piece of fabric in a drawer.  So now, I simply throw them in the corner next to her panties.  (I’ve learned women don’t wear underwear they wear panties and undergarments) Discovering how to do laundry “correctly” has been somewhat challenging.  I understand the whole darks and lights thing but any more than that was simply not needed and a waste of my time.  Thus began my foray into “Laundry, the one job that’s NEVER done.”  When you think you’re done someone else has just changed clothes, wiped down the dirty dog, spilled juice or wine on themselves or simply decided they needed a new outfit.  I’m almost ready to begin wearing disposable diapers around the house to cut down on the loads but I don’t want to rush the inevitable.

My basic guide for laundry has always been supply and demand.  When you’re running low replenish.  It’s what we do with groceries or gas, we buy enough to get through a week, hopefully, and then go get some more.  It should be the same with laundry.  When you’re running low on panties, thongs, boxers or jeans it’s time to put in a load and replenish.  Sounds simple but nothing in a marriage is simple, except sex. It’s simple and clean and I’d prefer to do it more often than I do laundry.  Again, the whole do it when you need it comes to mind.  It’s just how I’m wired, it’s how most men are wired.  Women are wired to do laundry.  Even if she knows I’ve done a few loads, if there’s any left, which is usually the case since I’m waiting for a full load, she will do it.  It drives me crazy!  Why is she doing the laundry when she knows I’m doing the laundry?  What message is she sending?  It’s insulting, insinuating that I’m not able to do it, that I need her help.  I don’t need her help, I’m trying to help her!

Doing the laundry has become a daily test of household knowledge.  I think sometimes she wears things just to see if I can figure out where they go.  It’s a good thing she works during the day so I have time to wander the house, aimlessly looking through drawers and seldom used closets to find the perfect place for this odd item of clothing.   Only to hear, months later, “Dean where did you put that pink blouse with the three quarter snap front and drop shoulder?  It’s always been right here with all my other drop shoulder tops?” Drop shoulder what?  Who organizes clothes by their style or cut?  Not only do I not know what she’s talking about? I have no idea where in this house it could be?  Why didn’t I just ask her where to put it when I washed it?  Because we don’t think that way.  I don’t need to be told where something goes in my own house any more than I need to stop and ask for directions from a stranger.  As Men we know where we’re going and where things should go.  We don’t need to be told, in fact we hate to be told which is why we don’t ask.  Sort of a different twist on the whole; “Don’t ask Don’t tell” thing. Except, this is Don’t ask Don’t Be Told.  So here I am, stuck at a crossroad uncertain of my immediate future.  Should I admit I have no Idea and yes she is better at doing the laundry and she knows this house better than me?  Or, take a quick guess as to where I think it should be and prove I truly am a master of my own domain.  It’s at this moment that she spots it, hanging just under the drop shoulder tops which are neatly folded on the upper shelf.  “Oh Deano I never hang these it’s easier to just fold them.”  She was right, it was a pain to try to hang that top with the huge gaping neck hole on a hanger but I was determined to do it and do it right. If only I had asked where it should be placed I could have saved myself both time and effort.  She would have felt better knowing I needed her input regarding our home.

Learning how to do someone’s job that’ they’ve been doing since they were a teenager is not an easy task, made more difficult if you choose not to ask for advice.  Letting someone do your job is also difficult and leaves you feeling, somehow, less fulfilled.  So how do we maneuver through these changing rolls when a Husband runs the house? How do I take over some of her daily jobs without taking away from all she is as a Wife and Mother?  I need to be more willing to ask for her advice, there’s no shame in that.  She has to allow me to make a few changes to the way things use to be.  There can always be another way or idea.  It’s sort of like teamwork without a captain.

What I realize is this: no one can do it all but working women continue to try.  It wears them down and makes them feel less of a woman to have someone else do “what every Mother should do.”  In a time of great recession when more men are staying home while their Wives go to work it’s OK to let go of some of the daily grind. Remember, it’s our lives, no one else’s and if we don’t fit into their mold of what rolls men and women should have at home it doesn’t matter.  It’s just a different way of doing things, like the laundry.  Should it be folded or hung?  There’s no right or wrong way to do it there’s only our way and that’s the way it should be.  

Now as for that thong: “Honey, how do you fold these things?”...”Dean you don’t fold thongs!  You’re making this much too difficult.  Just throw them in the corner of the drawer.”  “Right, I should have known that.”

I Need A New Title

I'm a Stay at Home Dad.  I've always hated telling people that, it sounds so PC.  What the hell is a Stay at Home Dad?  Why not just say you're a loser who hasn't been able to get a job, that's what people think why not just say it?  "Hello, I"m Dean.  Before you ask what I do for a living let me just say up front, nothing.  Not a damn thing, everyday I wake up with a smile and nothing to do.  I'm a lazy Man without initiative who has nothing in common with the rest of you who work everyday to earn a paycheck and support your family.  Now that's how to start a conversation!  It saves all of us the uncomfortable position of asking a Man what he does for a living then starring blankly at him because you don't know how to respond when he tells you he's "A Stay at Home Dad".  Society has never placed any value on anyone who stays home, be it male or female.  Sure it's more accepted if a Woman chooses to take care of the house and family.  But "real" Men would never choose that roll.  "It's Women's work and they're good at it."  (not that there's ever been any monetary value put on it)

Lets face it, Hallmark knows our rolls in life.  There's Mother's Day; a day to celebrate all the women who keep our families together, organized and happy.  There's Father's Day; a day to celebrate the words of wisdom and the fun we've managed to have despite his never having enough time.  But there's no section for "Stay at Home Dads Day"  There's no Holiday, that doesn't exist, what would the card say:

For The GREATEST Stay At Home Dad In The WORLD!

For a Father who knows how to cook a mean meal

For a Dad who always thinks I'm a big deal

For a Husband who now wants EVEN MORE sex

We want you to know you're not worthless...

despite what other people say.

HAPPY STAY AT HOME DAD'S DAY!

So if Hallmark doesn't have it then it must not exist.  I can't be A Stay At Home Dad so what am I?

I chose to sell my business 6 years ago so I could have a direct impact on my son and wife.  I've always thought of him as my "marker" in this world.  He's what I'm leaving behind to make his surroundings and those of others better.  I wanted to take the pressure off my wife who is still working long and hard to support our life and lifestyle.  Since we married she was by far the big bread winner.  Her industry has a much higher pay scale so we both didn't need to work.  We chose, as a couple, to have me take on the traditional role of a Stay At Home Parent and not pay someone else to raise our son.

I feel lucky to have the opportunity to make a difference, as a man, in a non traditional family.  I also feel enormous pressure knowing I may ultimately be defined as less of a man due to my lack of title.  Men need jobs to give them purpose.  Women need their men to have jobs so they have "value" in their eyes.  When asked: "What does your husband do"? They need something to brag about, a title or image to elevate the family position.  Stay At Home Dad, I've learned, is not a good title.  It doesn't have value to men or women.  It's viewed as a trumped up title for a man who can't or won't work.

I need a title, something to brag about, a clearly defined image that's respected and appreciated by both Men and Women.   So here they are, 2-titles that best describe what I do.  When uttered they immediately give the image of success, happiness and family.  Drum roll please...I've decided on  "Father" and "Husband" maybe someday those will be enough to answer the question: "So Dean what do you do?"