Seasons Change Not Men

It has always been said, in a relationship, “What’s yours is her’s and what’s her’s is her’s.   I knew this applied to physical things such as furniture, not that she wanted any of mine, cars, again not too keen on the 84 Hyundai 4 door sedan, and money, well, enough said.  However, I never would have thought this applied to me, my looks, or my opinions.   Oh in hindsight sure, I see it very clearly now but there was no warning from any men I knew who’d traveled these murky waters of marriage before me.  I have three older brothers and of course my Dad.  Not once did they try to warn me that my opinions and Ideas of what I like and how I like it don’t matter.  When you take that solum oath of marriage to become “one” what you don’t know is; you’re not becoming “one” you’re becoming what she wants you to be.  Women believe they can change us and from the moment you say “I do”, you will be her restoration project, morphing from who you are to who she wants you to be.  As the years pass you will learn why you don’t, why you won’t and why you’re sorry you ever did, even though you have no idea what you did or why it’s now YOUR FAULT!   In the end you will have become so confused you won’t know what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, you won’t even know if your favorite pants can be worn with your favorite shirt!  The fact is; you will actually stand in your own closet and have no idea what to wear.  “You’re not wearing that are you?”  “Of course not, I just needed to see if it still fits.”  The longer you stay married the more you realize there are many thing which no longer fit or go together.

For me, this realization began when I was preparing to move from my place in Washington State to her apartment in Manhattan. She had flown out that weekend to help me pack.  As a gift she’d bought two new matching pieces of luggage.  I thought it was great!  They would come in handy on our upcoming Honeymoon to Maui.  What I didn’t know was: I could only pack whatever fit in those bags.  “Honey, I bought new clothes for you in New York, you won’t need most of this stuff, your new things are hanging in your closet waiting for you in my apartment.  Just bring whatever you feel you may need from here.”  Need from here, you mean from my life?  We’re not talking about a garage sale you know!  In that one sentence the future was laid out before me like a menu at an expensive family restaurant.  I can still hear my mother, “Now Dean just order what you really think you need, let’s not be wasteful.”  What I need?...wasteful?  What’s wasteful is to leave some of the greatest sports memorabilia ever collected by the Famed, Original, Mariner Moose, framed pictures of the Beatles (replica’s) when they first came to Seattle and of course my prized Budweiser Beer Holiday Stein Collection? Leave it behind, are you kidding?   I know what's happening here, she wants me to change, to leave everything ever associated with my life when I was single and slowly morph into the mold of a married man.    

Change isn’t something that comes easily for men.  We don’t want to change we liked who we are and how we live life.  We have a hard time understanding the idea we were attractive enough to fall in love with but not good enough to live with.  If you want to know the truth, we really just want you to leave us alone, except in the bedroom.  This is the one place we want your opinion and advice.  We're all yours, just tell us where, when and how often.  It's one of the few times we're paying full attention.  It's also proof that we can change but motivation is the key.  "What's in it for us" is usually the question that has to be answered.  

Woman are just the opposite.  They are constantly changing, whether it’s to stay hip with the latest fashions, to stay fit with the latest health trends or try something new because they’re tired of the old, women embrace change while men fight it.  When’s the last time a man changed his hair style?  You see, it’s different.  

Women not only love us for who we are but more importantly who we’ll become.  We don’t want to fight them on the little stuff because it’s not worth it, they want to push the little stuff us because WE ARE worth it!  Let's face it, without a woman’s love and motivation (nagging as we call it) we would become too complaisant, too settled, too entrenched.  A slow hardening of life would eventually consume us, immobilize us, strand us in a single chair, in our favorite room, holding the volume up button on the remote, complaining that we don’t understand what’s happening in the world around us...there’s been too damn much change.  

Keeping up with the change is what keeps us alive, engaged and motivated.  Perhaps the best way to understand this search for improvement is to look at it from a sport’s perspective.  All of us, at some time, had a coach or teacher who pushed us, changed us, motivated us to a higher level.  They got more out of us than we thought we could give.  Wive’s are doing the same thing, pushing us so we never settle.  In most cases it’s how we’re being pushed (nagged) that gets the most resistance.  The best coaches know you will always get the most from someone if they believe in themselves first.  That’s the secret, men are motivated by the message so, build us up, tell us how great we are!  When a husband believes the change is good and his idea, that’s when a husband becomes the ideal man.